No, I can't say I am anywhere near "acceptance" of Emma's diagnosis. Just last night I lay in bed crying because all of the sudden, this thought entered my mind--my five year old daughter has cancer. Gulp! What? How did this happen? I birthed her, and she was perfectly healthy! My little girl does NOT have cancer! She is not undergoing chemotherapy. She is not a patient of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. She is fine, fine, fine.
However, I don't always feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I HAVE fully accepted this new life. Sometimes I feel okay with it, but sometimes I feel sad, or angry. And then there are the times of denial, like right now.
If there is something I have come to realize about the emotions this journey evokes, it is that we don't EVER master our emotions. Just as I think I finally have the anger licked, it rears its ugly head. Just as I think I am okay with it all, I get all depressed.
I have noticed a few things, too, about the TIMING of these emotions. 1. If I am really busy, the bad emotions come more easily. 2. If I slack off on my devotion time each morning, the bad emotions come more easily. So I have made a determination to keep a bit more organized, so that I don't get overwhelmed with a busy life, or let my quiet time slack off. Writing helps, too. I can express my feelings oh so much better in writing than if I were to talk to each of you face to face.
I think it is probably this way for everyone--not just cancer families. Life is a roller coaster ride--with fun parts and scary parts. So when your own ride takes a scary dip, how do you deal with it?